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 It has often been said that men are dogs. Any dog owner will be quick to point out the obvious flaw in this unfair comparison. Although men act like “Horn Dogs” and “Dirty Dogs,” this refers to their love of recreational sex and their willingness to engage in it anywhere, anytime, and even in the middle of the road.
But sadly, the analogy stops there.
Dogs are remarkably easy to train. This is clearly not true of most men. Trying to get them to put down a toilet seat can take a lifetime of training. Simple tricks, like foreplay and cuddling, can be magically unlearned at any time. Canines are also loyal for life. They don’t have intimacy issues. In fact, the only peace you’ll ever get from your furry friend will be when he finally “rests in peace.”
No, men are not like dogs.
They are, however, remarkably like birds!
My hands-on research has proven time and again that men are like wild things. Men are easily startled when you make fast moves. They’ll often get very, very close to you and then suddenly fly away again. When threatened, they may even become hostile, passive aggressive, or flee in an attempt to resist (emotional) arrest!
So following in the footsteps of Jane Goodall, I packed my lingerie and spent quality time in the dating wilds studying these fascinating creatures. After some painstaking (but deeply gratifying) research in the field, I have finally decoded the mating rituals of the Easily Startled Modern Male. This book will clarify their complex mating behaviors, and include effective manhandling techniques that every woman out of a training bra will definitely want to know. This information will assist your date-selection process and prove to be an invaluable tool in guiding you from mere bird watching to actual dating, mating and manhandling!
Welcome to the Institute for Romantic Research
This book was written to assist your romantic mission and achieve your heart’s desire, whether that be for a boyfriend, husband, or plaything! I do realize that in the past, you, or a happily married girlfriend may have lucked into the perfect relationship, or a perfect dating scenario. But now that you’re back in the field, you don’t want to have to count on luck. You want to be able to count on yourself, and I will show you how.
Read on and learn why:
- The only person who can ever really waste your time is you!
- It’s not who you’ve been dating but how you’ve been dating that’s actually the problem.
- If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll just keep getting what you’re getting.
Now, if you’re thoroughly satisfied with what you’ve been getting, please email your findings to me. But you’re probably too busy having mind-blowing sex or planning your wedding to find the time to read this book. For the rest of you…
Remember:
You are now a valued member of my expert and well-dressed research team. This research is important, so really do your homework. You’ll need to have an open mind, a committed heart, and some lip-gloss.
Your mission: :
As a Romantic Researcher, you’ll collect data while playing the field. You’ll receive specific, step-by-step instructions outlining the most effective ways to conduct each fun field “experiment.” These instructions have been thoroughly man-tested. You won’t be out there “winging it” on your own anymore but will learn exactly how to approach the objects of your desire and engage them engagingly. Once you start using these tools, you’ll quickly take charge of your romantic destiny and discover that:
- Dating isn’t a mini-relationship, it’s a pleasurable fact-finding mission.
- Until he says he’s The One…he isnt’!
- Dating always results in The “Survival of the Fittest” when you follow the laws of natural selection!
The good news is…
Help is on the way! If you’ve been trapped in a romantic bog, or lost in the dark forest of singleness, we may have to hack through a thicket of dating superstition to get you unstuck. But fear not! In no time you’ll wind up in a charming meadow, bathed in glorious sunlight and surrounded by the lovely chirping of birds. So let’s get you out of the woods so that you can actually find your prince.
‘Cause after all, every girl deserves to have a very sweaty, hot and heavy happy ending!
Let’s go birding.
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 As one of her romantic researchers, I can tell you that Lauren Frances’ man handling techniques are spot on. She truly has her finger on the pulse of male-female relationships.
— Kate Walsh, "Grey’s Anatomy"
She’s saving romance, one page at a time!
— Mark Ruffallo
If there were a Nobel Peace Prize in the war between the sexes,
Lauren Frances would win it hands down. Buy this book and you’ll NEVER be lonely again.
— Anne Beats, SNL writer
I’ve followed every piece of advice she has ever given me. I suggest you do the same!
— Amy Brenneman, "Judging Amy"
Guys, Lauren Frances has figured us out ornithologically, and our gooses are cooked!
— Matt Groening, Creator of "The Simpons"
Lauren Frances is the Man Whisperer!"
— Madeleine Smithberg Creator of "The Daily Show"
- Horns way up!
—Tommy Lee
The women of the world are so fortunate that Lauren Frances has written her brilliant MANifesto! No longer do we need to wonder about anything male - this genius researcher has cracked all of their 'codes' and made their mysterious, wild ways no longer confusing. She's like a Fairy Godmother and Einstein all rolled into one! And she couldn't be more fun. If you follow her advice, not only will you get to 'happily ever after,' you'll have a rocking good time along the way..."
— Carol Allen- Vedic astrologer, relationship coach, host of "Enlightening Relationships" on Karma Air
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Excerpts from Dating Mating and Manhandling - The Ornithological Guide To Men:
Chapter One
Acquiring the mindset of Flock Consciousness
 My Earliest Research…Discovering the Fundamentals of Flirting
I was eleven and watching Gone with the Wind. I had braces, freckles, and octagonal glasses. Mesmerized, I watched as Scarlett O’hara clung to her bedpost and got laced into her terrifically tiny corset. Then Atlanta burned and she survived the civil war and made a fetching green dress from her living room drapes.
But it’s the picnic scene at the Hamilton’s that would etch itself forever into my impressionable mind. There Scarlet stood, hooped-out and surrounded by a huge flock of men. And as she basked in the center of all of that fabulous male attention, she looked just like the cat that ate the canary!
“Now how on earth did she manage that?” eleven-year-old me marveled. It would take some years before I would fully understand her man-catching secret
Scarlett Deconstructed
Scarlett O’Hara possessed the mindset of Flock Consciousness. By not focusing exclusively on any one suitor, she lured an entire flock of Lovebirds to her, and wisely kept her options open. Scarlett was flirtatiously multi-tasking!
“Why yes, Mr. Hamilton, I’d love some more lemonade, with lots and lots of chipped ice.” And she needed it, because she was on FIRE. She had every boy eating out of the palm of her pretty little hand.
Several years later ~braces off and contacts in~ I donned a halter-top, a little too much Bonne Belle blush and went to my first high school party. I intuitively practiced what Scarlet had taught me and allowed a flock of boys to gather around me without making the silly mistake of getting romantic tunnel vision.
This would land me a date with “Pablo” the star quarterback, his scent an intoxicating blend of Ivory soap and cigarettes. And also Ross, a tow-headed junior who walked me home the next day after soccer practice. His dazzling white teeth would leave a small hickey that my mother would notice and ground me for later that weekend.
My romantic career had officially begun!
 The worst thing a woman can do when looking the relationship she truly desires is to prematurely take herself off the market simply because “someone likes her” (otherwise known as the One-at-a-Time Man Plan).
This misstep is a genetic holdover from the millions of years that girls spent picking berries on the tundra. It makes us want quickly give up the hunt and become “instantaneously monogamous” to a viable suitor once he’s been found.
The problem is that most men like to date women exactly the other way around!
MANFACT: Men, even the one’s you think are really nice guys, like architects, believe that it’s not only normal, but actually preferable to have several sexual options (women) waiting for them in the wings. Men don’t think that this approach is wrong if they haven’t stepped up and made a verbal commitment to any, some, or all of these women. Maybe they have a point!
On the contrary, most men subscribe to the Male String Theory of Dating.
THE MALE STRING THEORY OF DATING
Boys were learning much more than teamwork in Little League. They also learned the value of “rotating the talent.” When these little boys grow up and become men, they’ll often apply this principle to their love-lives too. It’s ingenious when you understand how it works.
Single males have their starting lineup of MVPs, then Second String Girls, who like him just a little more than he likes them, and finally his Romantic Replacements who are kept in a holding pattern waiting for him on the bench.
His MVP’s are usually women he thinks he’ll have mind-blowing sex with. The rest are simply put into Romantic Rotation. And trust me, men don’t feel one shred of guilt about this arrangement because, after all, they’re not married, so they don’t have to act like they are. Maybe they have a point!
The Male String Theory of Dating hinges upon the: “If you’re dumb enough not to ask me, I’m not going to be stupid enough to tell you” policy.
Sidebar: It’s amazing that women don’t usually ask the men they’re sleeping with if they’re currently sexually involved with other women, or how many! If you did, you might be shocked by the answer.
Romantic Rule : It’s not prying or rude to ask the men your sleeping with about the competition you’re up against, to find out the odds of your contracting STDs~or actual commitments~ from them!
MAN FACT: Until he says he’s The One,..he isn’t.
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